The Bachelor (Week 6)

This weeks "thoughts" on the Bachelor.

View this episode here

vienna and her dad, borat, in their cracked picture frame

vienna and her dad, borat, after she won the gold cup for ........ i dunno... worst extensions/makeup?

RECAP of the EPISODE:
Gia's hometown was first, and she decides that the best way to see New York is by boat? Really? I have to disagree but what do I know? I'm a California girl. Anyway, they have an impromptu photo shoot (probably because they were on a boat tour of NYC and weren't seeing anything new) which was...normal. But, hey abc, do you think I'm some sort of fool? If you're going to show us their snapshots, actually show us their snapshots-otherwise we can do without the camera noises and the fake photos.

After the boat ride they head to meet Gia's guido family. Was her step brother Erick one of Snookis boyfriends on the Jersey Shore? I was hoping he would break out a fist pump. A little disappointed that we weren't able to see their house or were never introduced to the little brother? Who was that kid? All in all, Gia is the hottest in her family, although her mom does have a GREAT set of legs.

After New York, Jake flew (on the wings of love, I'm sure) to MA to meet Alli and her family. As soon as they are reunited alli starts talking about her dead grandma. Who else besides me thought that maybe she was going to take him to a
Cemetary? Phew! She didnt, but they did however go visit her grandmas ghost at her old house. I hate to be insensitive but that was weird. She mentioned her grandma was crying tears of happiness for her and Jake after she "met" him, which is sweet of a ghost to do, since they usually just haunt.

Allie's family seems normal. I had to keep telling myself that they live in MA and not one of the old Provo houses south of campus that I lived in (Seriously, that kitchen is straight off of 5th north and 2nd east).

Next stop, Oregon! Are Tenley and Jake not a match made in heaven? And how cute was her little skirted pea coat/target rain boots combo? I was loving her playful little outfit. I generally love Tenley but she's a liar-your husband NEVER saw you dance and you're a dancer? Was your husband blind?I really find that hard to believe otherwise. But bAck to the dancing, if it were anyone else I would say "save the weird private lyrical recital" for a time without the cameras, but since it's Tenley it was kind of sweet, right?

Tenley really is sweet. My "staffer" friend has been telling us that since the beginning. Well now we know where she gets it from! How cute was her dad? Oh man that fam is perfectly nice. The cheese just oozes and it's perfectly acceptable because you know it's sincere. If Jake doesn't pick this girl he's insane.

After the best hometown date of the night, Jake flew to the bayou to meet Vienna's family. Everyone of the girls dresses fine and mostly always adorable...especially on these hometown dates-really appropriate, and Vienna...well, her outfit was expected. Daisy dukes, a pink bathing suit top, a wife beater and a drapey off the shoulder tshirt...do they only have Clothestime and Wet Seal in Sanford, FL? She was dressed for the occasion I guess...a jungle cruise. The most hilarious part about this portion of the show was that Jake said "Vienna is so natural" uhh what part? Her hair? Boobs? Skin color? Or were you talking about her nose...? Cause I'm pretty sure that's the only thing left that's au natural.

Viennas family is just that...Vienna's family. I read this week that her mom is a topless dancer...yikes. Her dad awkwardly walked in on them kissing which was obviously staged. Whatever I'm over Vienna. WHY IS SHE STILL ON?

NOW THE GOLD OF THE EPISODE, the rose ceremony. This rose ceremony was filmed just steps from my work at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel so I was excited to see it on tv...however the filming was in the middle of the night. That's right folks, insider info: the rose ceremonies are taped way late. Allie's emotional breakdown took place between 2 and 3am...and my staffer was one if 20-30 people in the room for Jake and alli's "private talk." the "staffer" says that Alli was crying and pouting for a good hour and a half before she finally made a decision. He didn't however know if she had just got out of a convertible on the freeway or a tornado with that hair...wow girl you looked like you just ran a marathon with that hair.

The end for Alli? I bet she's back next week, in the same fashion as Ed.

here are a some other items that made me giggle.

• pucca shells? rastafarian pucca shells? seriously?! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, JAKE! GET A GRIP, YOU CHEESY TOOL! (sorry.. had to get that off my chest.)
• "i've got her back" (re: gia) whats with the "got her back" talk?! was he trying to smack ghetto while talking to her mafia fam?
• love how gia's clearly NOT from new york. she's evidently from a bourough... the staged restaurant situation was very strange.
  
• step brother (aka. sonic the hedgehog). doesn't gia own a salon?! yikes.
  
• i'm always amazed when parents question the process- really?! you KNOW your daughter went on the bachelor, right? why are you drilling him about the 3 (or 4-as vienna's slick academic dad put it) other ladies he's dating.
  
• ali's walk. enough said.
  
• i appreciate her attempt to do her hair on the hometown, but really? straight with curling iron tight ends? sad.
• appreciated jakes Massachusetts costume.... pea coat. duly noted.
• did they really spend 3-4 min talking about the leaves before spontaneously (staged) frolicking and wishing on them? yes. they did.
  
• ali thoughtfully matched her jeans to those hideous blue cabinets in mom's kitchen.
  
• where are the dads?! did anyone mention gia or ali's dads? where were they?!
• wasn't it classy that when ali dropped the L-bomb on J, he thoughtfully pulled off his gloves in slow-mo then groped her face with his sweaty glove hands when he planted one on her?
• then did you notice that the next cut was of him kissing her with the gloves on?! magic!!!
  
• i think we have a new nickname: "tenley left-eye-lopez" . i saw that left eye from under the hair the entire episode.....
• ooook. that dance creeped me out in the most fundamental way. however, i really do think T meant it sincerely (unlike all of the rest of the ladies.)
• t and j are the only choice. they'll be mr. and mrs. boring cheeseball, but at least they're on the same page.
  
• tenley gave jake an "inside to her soul." bhh.
• vienna is white trash. confirmed.
  
• and she got a healthy dose of botox in the forehead pre-hometown.
  
• say this 4 times fast: "i've never felt the feeling of falling before"
• notice that jakie brought out his southern drawl to meet the dad?
• according to v's mom (who must have pushed her out at a young age), she has "went thru this her entire life"....... probably cause she never learned correct english?
• philosopher jake: life is about minimizing regrets.
• ali's breakdown was comical..but my favorite part was when she walked down the hall, wailed like a cow in heat, hit the floor and looked back to see if the cameras were on her.
  
• ali, WHAT were you wearing at the rose ceremony?! you looked like tacky malibu skipper had her head rubbed into the carpet by somebody's big brother.
  
• also, when you cry, keep your legs together. we don't want to see that.
  
• grateful for jakes signature lean-to on the brass railing after ali left.
  ultimate anguish. noted.
  
• i'm really going to work on ali's limo monologue for my next audition: " what did i do?....... how could i have left him?"

she's coming back.
booooring. and OVER ali.

still think tenley is the only option for j.